As a writer I'm constantly writing my way through life. To quote Wikipedia:

"Human self-reflection is the capacity to exercise introspection and to attempt to learn more about their fundamental nature and essence."

I also view myself as a philosopher and I base myself on this quote by the philosopher Socrates:

"One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."

Logically I believe that the closest thing we can get to the truth is through modern science, but even then humans sometimes make mistakes. We have to base ourselves on the fact that some things are true, if not we would be getting nowhere, like the fact that 1+1= 2. Mathematics is a language that humans made up, but we need this language to communicate what we observe about the world eventhough our observations might not be correct. Maybe philosophy could be viewed as a waste of time in modern day society. Now that humans have come such a long way, but I could never stop myself from asking questions. I couldn't just assume that my perception of reality was the right one. Or that the collective perception of reality is the right one. Only if I tested it myself could I become certain. Or at least, get closer to the truth.

I didn't just belive in my teachers. I assumed that they were probably right, but I would always question them and I remember how they reacted to it. I remember one teacher in particular and how we wound up alone in a classroom together once, having a philosophical discussion for two hours straight. I was just a kid, but by the end of it I remember how she was just amazed. Like mindblown, in a good way and of course that made me feel happy, so it's a good memory I suppose. I had a lot of fun during those hours, I still remember some of the topics that we discussed and I still stand by those very same arguments.

When I write something I might agree with myself and re-read it again the next day only to find that I disagree with myself. The concept of time is self-evident and everything is constantly changing. Our opinions change and I believe that our perception of reality changes too, maybe only by a minimal degree from one day to another, but it does change. Everytime we learn something new, everytime we go through a new experience. Last week I was very upset about the concept of time and about ageing, which is very common for a young woman my age. I've talked to girlfriends who are going through the same emotions. There never seems to be enough time and eventhough we're still in our twenties our looks are already starting to change. Then there's the fact that on the inside I am beginning to feel more and more like a woman. I was angry and I remember feeling angry back when I was a child too because I knew that no matter how badly I wanted to I could not remain a child forever. I changed without agreeing to it and it made me feel like I wasn't in control of anything, which from a philosphical perspective might actually be true. Though I believe us to be in control of our own free will, at least to some extent. I went through some experiences last week and Saturday is here now and suddenly, I don't feel the same way anymore. My perception has changed. I would still prefer to live forever, or at least for a couple thousand years longer, but I don't feel angry anymore for the fact that my childhood was taken unwillingly from me. I exist and I belong to this universe and therefore also to concepts such as time or the laws of nature. I know this because:

"About 99 percent of your body is made up of atoms of hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen and oxygen. You also contain much smaller amounts of the other elements that are essential for life.

While most of the cells in your body regenerate every seven to 15 years, many of the particles that make up those cells have actually existed for millions of millennia. The hydrogen atoms in you were produced in the big bang, and the carbon, nitrogen and oxygen atoms were made in burning stars. The very heavy elements in you were made in exploding stars."



By knowing this, it would be naive of me to persist upon not wanting to belong to concepts such as time, because if I didn't I wouldn't be at all. I guess you could say that life is a gift. I always felt a very strong connection to nature and a very small distinction between humans in terms of culture or in their physical appearance. I was the kid who would make friends with everybody. It didn't matter to me if it was the Emo kid, the popular girl or the nerd, what mattered to me was what lied behind all of that, always wanting to get to the core of things. During my quest to get to the core of myself I sort of lost touch with eveything for quite a few years, but now I'm, I guess you could say that I'm back and I believe I am wiser. To me, it was important to question myself and my own beliefs because only then could I unearth whatever I was left with. Holding onto my anger was both stubborn and childish. I cannot fight with the very core of my being, or with existence itself. Change is a fundamental part of everything and the more I think about it, the more I see the beauty of it. Because things don't only change for the worse, they also change for the better.

By growing up, well at least I got to experience love and having sex with a man. More recently I'm experiencing what it's like to be able to shape your own life and to make decisions that are different from the ones your parents made. Being an adult enables me to go my own way and to pursue my ambitions. It's a wonderful feeling. Nothing can stand still I suppose, or "Panta Rhei" if you will, and of course I always knew this, I was just upset by it. I never liked being told what to do. I never liked having to fit in or being controlled by others. I tried it of course, I'll try anything once, but it's not really my thing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I accept the fact that I belong to this world. I accept that when I die, what used to be my body will eventually be a part of something else. Maybe a flower, or an animal or even another human. I do not believe in life after death and I doubt that I will ever have any children, but everything is still connected and I'm connected to this world. Accepting that fact was surprisingly comforting to me, because it made me feel less lonely and loneliness is the emotion that I have struggled the most with during my life. There might even be aliens somewhere out there that we're distantly related to. I also believe that I'm still unique and considering the sheer vastness of the universe, that's downright magical.

I believe in concepts such as the laws of nature or in Charles Darwin's theory stating that:

"All species of organisms arise and develop through the natural selection of small, inherited variations that increase the individual's ability to compete, survive, and reproduce."


Because we've been able to document it and also because when I first learned about it, it unfolded before me as something highly logical, in that way when you feel a sense of pleasure at discovering the truth. Charles Darwin has in fact been somewhat of my hero ever since I was a kid because I found him so incredibly brave for standing up to the rest of humanity when all they did was laugh at him! Most of us have heard the frase "Survival of the fittest" and this is where it comes from. I sometimes tell myself that when I'm about to fight for something that I want...

What is God? Humans make up words to describe reality and we all know what a table is, just to pick out an example, becuse we've seen and touched many different tables. Just like we also know what apples are, though each apple will be unique in flavour. God is also a concept. The dictionary say's that:

1. (in Christianity and other monotheistic religions) the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being.

2. (in certain other religions) a superhuman being or spirit worshipped as having power over nature or human fortunes; a deity

I assume that that certain concepts are true, such as time, the theory of Darwinism or the laws of nature and so on and to me, that's about as close to "God" as I'm able to get. Because if there was such a thing as "God" I would view it as a force that is mightier than I am. So since I've tried to "fight" with time itself and the very nature of existence and failed I can sort of view these concepts as "God", but my philosophy is this:

I can also view myself as a part of "God" which is ironic because it's been said that God created humans in his image. The reason I percieve myself as a part of "God" is because I am conscious. See, like I already mentioned, I know that I am put together by atoms that are a part of the universe. Ergo that I am a part of the universe, ergo that to some extent I am the universe, or at least a part of it. So, now I know that I am the universe and also that I am conscious. Or in other words: I am the universe's consciousness. OK, so maybe it would be more correct to state that I am a part of the universe's consciousness. Sharing has never been my strong suit. Either way, this could all be another way of stating that I am in fact, "God". After all, humans create all sorts of things! Well, that's not quite right either, is it? A more correct statement would be that I am a part of "God".

I believe in one more philosophy that already exists and I want to point it out because I see it as something of a fundamental fact. It's the Chinese philosophy yin and yang.

"Yin and yang is an ancient philosophy describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another."


The reason I believe in this philosophy is because I've put it to the test. You would think that being a good person is the right thing to do, yes? I thought so. I thought that I should try being only good, only pure of heart and as close to the idea of "an angel" as I could get and I tried. I tried my best, but the result turned out badly. Over time I almost felt like I was making myself sick trying to force myself into a shoe that didn't fit. My creative work turned out crap. I didn't move forward with my life in any productive direction. Everything about me turned into something very static and I'd have moments when I would lose control and behave badly in a way that seemed worse than before because I felt like I was in such an unbalance. It also made me weak. Over time, I found myself saying yes to things that were actually hurting me and I also became very afraid of making any minor mistake or of acting at all. When mistakes are such a brilliant way to learn and to move in a positive direction...

I only dropped this pursuit after an interesting discussion I had with one of my colleagues back when I was a security guard. We were discussing murderers and whether or not it's right to execute a murderer. I was of course defending the murderer, saying that in murdering him, we would become murderers too and that he should be treated as a victim and as someone in need of help. I argued that some studies show how most of those who commit murder often suffer from some kind of genetic liability or have been through violence themselves whilst growing up. My colleague disagreed with me and compared me to a white fluffy bunny, unable to defend myself. That mental image of the white bunny stayed with me. I still stand by my arguments about how to deal with murderers, but our discussion travelled further onto other topics and at some point during that discussion I realized that a weak human is a bad thing. I realized that both the darkness and the light is a part of me and that in trying to smother one of those parts of myself I was not a highly functional or good human. I later discovered that this is even a key point in psychology and in determining a fully functioning human. I was actually onto this before I even reached my conclusion. It was a part of the monologue that I directed before I fell ill. It's even called "You are not weak" and at the very end it goes like this:

"All these lines and greys defined

They are the maps of our design

I need a simple life, captured in black and white

Because with both, we'll find contrasts

Colors, shadows and mystique"

This part was inspired by a song written by Death Cab for Cutie and I turned it into something else, it was my way of trying to explain something. This was in 2013, but I didn't become sure until years later. Now I am sure. I need both a negative and a positive force within myself to function properly. I believe that the same applies to the world. Like, what would sunlight look like without the darkness? There would be no sunlight. The best part is that when I reached this conclusion I felt so happy, so liberated. I really like the darkness within me now and ever since I embraced it I've been feeling alright. Come to the dark side..