This is what I see when I look out of my window this foggy Sunday morning. It's still very early, but I was working yesterday so I don't have to recover from a night out or anything like that. Just think, that in a couple of day's all of these trees will be bursting with color as if they were on fire. It's also my birthday soon, on the 27th of September, I'll be 26 years old. I'm trying my best to embrace it, but I've wished for a huge cuddly unicorn from my best friend as a birthday present. So I can't pretend that I'm doing very well at being an adult. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I have a very promising job interview next week and that if all goes well, I could get a freaking scholarship by the end of it. I don't want to carry on as a waitress/bartender. I'm grateful that I got this job, but I would be lying if I said that this type of work makes me feel good. I want to do something that feels more worthwhile to me and I'll just keep trying until I make it.
These last few years have been indescribably challenging and there's still so much that I haven't even had the chance to do yet. Like travel! I want to see Japan, England, France, Rome, New York and I figure, I made it this far. There's no reason why I shouldn't be able to travel in the future.
Autumn is my favourite season and it's strange because I have this thing with time where I set myself against it. I wanted to stay a child forever and I always hated time for altering me without my permission. I hate how nothing is mine, not even my body, because I'm not in control of it and sometimes I even think about the fact that it's going to rot. So if I could influence the world for the better, even just by a tiny margin. That's almost like immortality. The reason why I wanted immortality was never because I thought that life was so amazing or anything, on the contrary. Nor do I want it because of a fear of death, I want it because I resent being dictated. Anyway, I love autumn. I love the smell, I love the colors and I love the way it feels like a new beginning.
My bestfriend, the one who might be getting me the unicorn for my birthday, say's that life wouldn't be as beautiful if we were immortal. That we wouldn't appreaciate anything and that the time limit is what makes everything so magical and also so horrible at times and I think he's completely right, but it doesn't change the way I feel.
I'm stubborn and eventhough love, passion and romance has been the most intense experience, maybe even better than being a child, it doesn't make it OK that the innocent girl that I once was, that she's gone forever. As if she never existed.
I swear, every year it's the same moroseness... Nevermind me! I'm going to brew some more fresh coffee and seize this beautiful day, maybe exercise, that would be nice. Or just go for a walk. The fog is gone now and the sky is a crisp blue. I should enjoy it.