I found my soul

I'm not religious and I'm not disturbed in the head either, but I want to tell you a secret. Initially I intended to try and share it with my closest friend, but he was busy and it inspired me to put my secret into words. I believe that I have a soul. What is a soul? You might ask and the truth is that I don't have an answer to that question. All I know is that I've experienced things, strange and almost magical things. After years of continuously asking myself a range of philosophical questions I found myself in a situation where I'd reached so many conclusions, conclusions based on as much solid fact as possible that I found myself peering out at the world as if through another eye. An eye different from the pair of eyes attached to my face because it could see differently, because it could see more. This is just a way to describe a feeling, a feeling of an awakened state of mind. Or being in contact with your innermost self, that is, being utterly honest with yourself. Intellect, consciousness. My soul is not immortal.

I can feel my soul and it's happy because it's finally got a home. It's not trapped anymore, but free. I learned to love myself, that was an important part of the journey and it took a long time. Everything is easier now, writing, dancing, just being myself and trusting in myself. When I feel my soul, it's like being a child again. When you're a child, you have fewer inhibitions and now I do to. I don't know if anything such as a soul truly exists and that's not even the point, I'm only trying to explain what I'm experiencing because there's something else that I'm getting to that's very important!

I'm not afraid, not like I used to be, because I know that I'm only doing my best and that I can't do any better than that. Plus, I've got a plan. I don't believe in any Gods, but what I do believe in are the stars, planet earth and the universe. Because it is and I am too. So what matters to me? Well, nature, the north of Norway where I'm from, at a tiny island where there's this little place called Titternes. Because that's my home, see... We're all put together, partly by what used to be stardust, among other things. That's a scientific fact. We're all connected and if there is an energy or SOMETHING out there that's good, then I give my heart to that. Because there is both light and darkness within everything and within all of us, there are always opposites and I choose to fight for the light! For whatever is good and right. I am a solider and I will never give up. Not until every last human that is suffering is free. Not until every animal is safe from mankind, not until all of nature is in balance again.

It's not gay!! It's fucking magical and if you could feel what I've felt, you would know it too and I want you to feel it. You're all welcome inside my crystal palace. This is my dream, my purpose. When I die, my awareness might dissapear, but my body will only transform, maybe forever. I am the universe, a part of it and so are you.

I used to feel angry. I wanted to be a child forever and I was angry that I grew up, I felt it like being robbed against my will and I didn't want children of my own, I didn't want to play by the laws of nature, but when I finally accepted the way that things are I found that I was enriched. I was not angry, but grateful.

No, I am not immortal, that is true. Nor am I totally free or independent. No, I am a part of the whole and I love it. LOVE!!!

As a solider, a Captain, I would scream it at the top of my lungs with my weapon raised high into the air and no other word would ring out as powerfully. I would repeat it with tears streaming down my face and then fight.

I have to fight against myself too, you know. I too, feel a desire toward bad things, I too want to belong to the herd, to be liked, but I'm not afraid to stand out and now I understand that I can use that as a weapon. I still need to find a balance for myself as well, a few sugarcubes to help me hold onto my resolutions and mental breaks so I don't wear myself out, but I will hold on to this. I have to, because time has almost run out. When I look up at the stars I know that I am a part of them and that they are a part of me. Earth is my home and I always felt so sad that we are destroying it. I'm going to save it, but I can't do it alone. I have nightmares late at night of people who are suffering and I know that it's true and that someone is being tortured somewhere out there and that I have let it happen because I could have done more to help and I did nothing. The nightmares wake me with jolts because they're so realistic. I didn't do anything, because it wasn't the right time, because I didn't even want to think about the fact that such horrible things were even happening, because I had my own problems to deal with. It's still not easy, but I have to do something. Everyone can do something.

I am a solider, an alien, an angel, Captain, stardust... The point is that my goal means something. That's real and if I could achieve that, then heaven is real. We would all already be in paradise because right now, there is already enough stuff for everyone. Enough so that we could all lead that popular luxurious life full of things that we love such as Chanel, soy lattes, Brandy Melville, candy, beauty treatments and bubblebaths. Or something like that, whatever gets you off. If we worked together we could have spent our time inventing immortality for that matter and I know it's not that easy. I know that different countries are at different stages in their development in terms of, well knowledge, but at this point the collected amount of intelligence on Earth is enough so that we can succeed. More than enough for us all to live in peace and to educate those who have fallen behind, if we all pull our weight. There's not any reason good enough to walk around in a stupor and allow for bad things to happen. There's not any reason good enough, to not even try. If nobody's trying because nobody else is trying we'll be getting nowhere. If one person is trying it won't make much of a difference either, but somebody's GOT TO. I'll just have to take baby steps, put one foot in front of the other and see where I wind up...

We don't have to give away all of our possessions, we need to find a better balance and switch our focus. From materialism and on to something new! It doesn't mean we can't still own some beautiful things or achieve progress and thrive on it, I love it too, but there is too much excess in this world, energy lost on stuff that we wouldn't even miss and helping someone who is suffering does not mean that you will have to suffer equally. There is no need to feel frightened. There are other methods than downright parting with possessions such as money that are just as important when it comes to evening out the differences in the world and part of it is about where we stand mentally. Everything we say and do has a consequence. This is also a way to fight. The important thing is that we try, in one way or another, to do something good. To figure out how best to help the world, because we're all different, we're all unique. You don't have to think about it constantly, or carry around a heart of gold. Like I said, we all got both light and darkness within us.

We don't have to give up our Vogue addictions and we can still invest in the new Chanel boots, but we can also get the majority of a lot of other things secondhand, often with the pricetag still on. Why not? I think that's cooler. Vintage furniture, unused furniture, kitchen appliances and the list goes on. We don't have to go vegan, but we can eat less meat. I'm not vegan. We don't have to divide our paycheck in two and give half of it to the poor, but... One dollar? Could I part with one dollar? Charities have gift account numbers where we can decide on the exact amount and date of our gift. These are examples that might seem insignificant and it's true that what matters more is our mental state of mind. Scientists and other heroes should simply carry on. Normal people can still aspire to belong and to fit in, but we're also entitiled to an opinion and chances are, we won't be outed for changing our views slightly. Even if the collective idea of what's right is wrong and our rolemodels are bad rolemodels.

It's not hopeless, it's in our hands. Imagine if we protected the planet so it remained healthy for years to come, so that plant species and animal species that are now threatened were allowed to develop for thousands upon thousands of years. Can you imagine the plants that would surround us, the species? I can. We would be safe, because we would have been a part of the whole and of that journey. We would be beautiful, both on the inside and on the outside. Strong, intelligent and powerful. Humans.


Nina's soul,

Captain Nina