Scroll past this if you're not interested in reading about my personal life

I posted something academic/ or similar content again as promised the last time I updated you guys on here, so I'll allow myself to post something within more of the classic blog genre again now. Hope you don't mind. If you're not interested in reading about my life I guess you could just scroll past posts like this one. It's not as if my life is very interesting. 😋

This is from going out to eat a couple of days ago when the weather was just like a day during summer all of a sudden. I tried ramen for the first time and it was really nice.

Thought that the broth might be boring, but next to the fermented eggs it was the best part. There was miso in it, kind of spicy, really hit the spot.

I tried a semi-permanent vegan hair dye called manic panic that comes in a variety of crazy colors and it's the best unnatural colored hair dye I've ever tried. I've actually been searching for this one, trying various other brands to no great effect until I stumbled across these at Lyko. I remember this one girl from my old theatre company using the same brand years ago on her own light brown natural hair and it worked on that too, so these actually work on hair even when it's not platinum blonde. I remember her explaining that she'd been using it frequently and that the color always came out after a certain amount of washes. At least, I think it must have been this one, but don't take my word for it 100%. At any rate, it worked wonders for my dark blonde/ highlighted hair. I'm going to try out turquoise and lavender in the future and keep using these colors like forever, changing colors all the time.

What do you think? The color is even more shocking in reality!

The photo is unedited btw apart from something distracting that was on the wall in the background. I never edit my photos anymore, I haven't for a long time and I should have removed any that were ever edited from this website. It was only for a short period of time that I tried out editing photos and I remember being open with you about it writing a post about how easy it is for anyone to get away with dramatic changes to their appearance in photos. It was pretty fun to play around with them because I could change almost anything, but I came to the conclusion that I find it unethical either way, so I don't ever alter my appearance in photos. I'm pretty enough as I am anyway! :) Also, if a photo looks really cool, but it isn't authentic, then it doesn't feel good.

Spring is here and I'm recovering for real this time. From now on it's about what I feel like 💙

If I feel like eating. If I feel like having a small snack. If I feel like having a large meal or a drink of juice. It's not going to be numbers or grams or content labels deciding what, when or how much I eat. It's simply going to be about how I feel. About what I feel like inside myself ❤️

Because my body knows it's stuff, good enough for me to trust in it.

This is a snack I had outside at uni before lunch. A wholegrain bread bun with walnuts inside it. Yummy!

This is another yummy snack I really found a liking to. It's sugarfree and high in fibre, so it makes me feel better about eating it.

This is from last night when my boyfriend ordered pizza for dinner from Peppe's with half of it with my favourite vegetarian toppings. It was way too much food for me so I still have some pizza left over for dinner for today, but that's OK I guess.

For me, it's difficult even to have food in the house. I stress and worry about food going bad before having time to eat it because I don't like throwing away food, but I try not to worry about it as it's usually unnecessary for me to worry too much about these things. Relaxing my relationship around food is important too, even regarding aspects relating to food that are not strictly about eating it. For example, at the start of easter there was more food than usual in our kitchen because the stores were about to close and it made me feel anxious to the point where it got in the way of my ability to enjoy easter. I love easter and I won't ever let that happen again. :(

Halloumi AND mozzarella, avocado and glazed mushrooms. This combo is the bomb.

Edit; (I added this next bit on here three days later because I didn't want to write an entire new post about the same topic.) The thought of my eating disorder frightens me now. I'm much better and so, I'm able to think more rationally. I'm recovering for love and for life and I won't look back.

While perceiving the world through a malnourished/ deprived mind and while holding on to self-destructive behaviour I know that this destructive way of dealing with underlying issues, which is an old coping mechanism of mine from growing up with abuse, could eventually have led to the destruction of all the good things that I have worked so hard to accomplish. Or worst case, I could wind up hurting those around me, especially the one I love the most, which is a terrifying thought. I'm recovering because I could feel my mind changing and how my ED was taking me further and further away from love and from life.

Thankfully, in the growing absence of my ED I was finally able to deal with an underlying issue which might have been the reason for my relapse. I confronted that fear and in doing so, disarmed it. Now love and life is flowing here like never before.

I've been through abuse in the past so it's understandable that I have found some things difficult in life, but there are healthier ways to deal with it and choosing a healthy way can eliminate issues in ways that an ED never could. My ED sweeps the real problems beneath the carpet and creates a false sense of control that, if allowed to fester, could destroy everything.

I used to be alone and so my destructive behaviour I thought, would not affect anyone else, now I'm partly responsible for the shared happiness of my boyfriend and I.

I see that I was wrong in the past because my ED was always making me worse off as a person. Someone unable to flourish or contribute, someone who kept falling face down into her own misery. A lot of which might have been avoided if I had seen the importance of self-love and self-care. I could have been able to work better, to be stronger intellectually and in short, to live out my potential in a better way. Creating positive consequences both around myself and for myself.

This is a yummy combo I came up with the other night for dinner and then later I wanted to have it for lunch. It's a potato salad with crème fraiche and leek, broccolini fried in a pan with butter and wholegrain toast.

Tonight we're watching Adventure time, it's so much fun!

- Ⓝⓘⓝⓐ