A dream might not seem like the right place to begin our story, but our story has to begin somewhere and dreams can sometimes be a voice within itself. It might not make sense to us a lot of the time. At other times it's as if it's shouting at us. Plain as day.
I had the most pleasant dream tonight. It was uncomplicated and obvious and it definitely belonged to the "me" that I know. This dream didn't come from some unknown deep within my mind, it was clear. It was a good dream.
I was at swim practice, just like I used to be, only in the dream I was at this fancy place that I've been drooling over that's far too expensive for me. In the dream it didn't just have a beautiful pool for swimming laps of butterfly and several jacuzzis, but in stead of serving fruits on a trey they served it in the morning because in the dream the place was a resort. Happy people clothed in white would come in with strawberries cut out in the shape of hearts and I didn't long for anything else, beside this healthy fruit. Later on I discovered that my favourite latte macchiato from my all-time favourite coffeemaker was hooked up in the hallway right outside my bedroom door. I poured myself a huge cup from a seethrough glass that I recognized from an old object where I used to work as a security guard before I became a sailor. That's also where I recoginzed the coffee from. It's the best, even better than what you'll get at a high end coffeeshop where they brew the coffee from scratch. I took a huge sip and it was just as I remembered it. All creamy and rich and somehow sweet eventhough there's no sugar in it.
The whole resort was devoted to exercise, health and happiness and I went on to participate in some kind of group session. It wasn't very demanding, but seemed happy and colorful in the dream and demanding or not- we all got to move around while having fun! Then I was swimming and our instructors were competing among eachother during a break in the lane next to mine. They were super fit and it made me feel slightly intimidated, but they were too cheerful for it to bother me and in stead of feeling jealous, I felt inspired. Maybe if I worked hard, I could become an instructor too?
I miss my gym. I was supposed to start my new dance lessons and I had my regime all planned out, I was going to get ready for summer. I can exercise outside of course and I have done, but it's not the same. I wish that everything would just go back to normal or that things would get better. At least I got one thing out of this crisis. I realized that it was OK for me to trust 100% in myself and to really show you my true colors in terms of how I view fashion, style and materialism in general and I came up with the concept Environmentalistic Fashion. Also... You know, I've been dating these two guys for a long time now and well, I'm not the best judge in that department.
One of them is someone that I've known for years and the Lion can be rude and challenging to deal with at times, but at least he'll tell you the truth and even if that truth can be hurtful, he'd never actually hurt me. He would never, ever do what that other guy did. In fact, that's why I loved him, because he makes me feel safe. He's intelligent and the Lion will roar, but he doesn't attack me and when I do listen I become more intelligent too. He's intelligent, which again can make him out to be rather cocky, but his only crime, really is that he hasn't been as into me. That's where that other guy came in. I wanted to be loved, but my judgement was clouded. I don't think it's all my fault, because he was a very good liar. He was also rich, handsome and charismatic. He did things for you to make you feel special. Like, he might even get you roses, you know. The Lion gave me dandelions and it got quite serious between me and the wizard, despite the red flags.
When I found him out he turned from the sweetest guy and into an evil wizard, it was horrifying! I'm still frightened of him and now I've just been feeling so sad, because honestly. The one I really wanted, the one I wanted all along, it was the Lion and I thought that I should just try to be happy with someone else because I thought I'd found someone who actually cared about me. Then it turned out that he didn't care about me at all, that all he wanted was to use me. I'm not even exaggerating. He used me. He's a criminal, but he's also handsome in every sense of the word and I fell for him. The last memory I have of us two, when we were together before things changed I was nursing him because he was sick. I was stroking his hair and I held him through the night as he shook, for hours.
There were drugs in the picture a lot of the time when I was with him. Drugs look more safe, somehow, when you're surrounded by expensive furniture and bubblebaths and he sure knew how to defend them, but I should have known better. He pretended to love me and he pretended to be my friend, but I realized that this guy has got a problem, not so much with the drugs, but with a need to escape. I don't feel that need. I think he'll be fine, they're not hard drugs, but he's hurting people on his way. He's hurting people because his lifestyle is too wild and when he's in that space where he's "happy", he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He even feels that it's OK to rape me.
I'm really glad that I got away from his lifestyle more than anything. It was exhausting, having to bend over backwards for him and eventhough I'll always enjoy a good party I'm not like him. I'm happier my way and unlike him, I don't mind it when the party ends. I prefer what I saw in my dream. Ludicrous as it might be I'll remember those moments when we were cuddling more than anything and I want to tell you something about that.
First I need to explain. At the time when I got raped I was on four or maybe even five doses of the rape-drug GHB and let's just say, I did not consume that on purpose. After the drugs had worn off I was covered in deep crimson bruises and he made me cover up the abuse. He manipulated me by pretending that he was finally returning my feelings for him and he did a very good job of it. In a way I knew what had happened, but it's hard to explain just how difficult it can be to accept the truth. Especially when you're all alone and miles away from home.
I was also abused while growing up and I'd worked my way through it, but that's probably why I fell into his pattern so easily. It's still insane that I would even see him again after this. I was lying to myself and the thing is. The part that I wanted to tell you is that, as time went by... I believe that he actually did develop real feelings for me, not the very deep kind, but a spark. It's not just wishful thinking on my part, because my feelings for him were growing more sceptical. It's possible to move in two directions at once, at least for women and then there's the fact that no one can love like Nina. He was opening up. That was a mistake mate. You're going to jail now and even if you manage to wriggle out of that one, your reputation is finished. He's such a child, he's more concerned about that than anything, because he doesn't realize that a good reputation is something you EARN. By being a good man.
I want a good man someday, a real one. I also want to be a good rolemodel and I want to feel reasonably safe. Right now I just want to get on with my life, or at the very least my workout regime. Maybe I don't have fresh strawberries cut out as hearts, but there are no drugs in my bedroom drawer and I think there are some frozen berries in the freezer. Maybe I don't own two jacuzzis or a king size bed and maybe I don't have one million blind friends, but you know what? In my dream there was the most adorable house! It wasn't nearly as large as yours, but it was just right. Cute and cozy. That's where I'll live someday, with a good man and I'll be off to dance lessons while my husband goes for a walk with our dog, Tjommi.