I don't know anything anymore, but it's OK. Maybe I'll go on to become a historian next year. Human history is where I turn to when I'm sad, when I'm bored or when I need to put my own life into perspective. When reading history, the pressure comes off and I realize how lucky I am as I rediscover how thousands of other humans have fought, suffered, loved and lost just like me. I never cared much for the wars, or the royalty. But all the smaller details, those who could just as well have been lost, they take me back to another world. I always loved books and literature and history is the greatest story of them all. The more I learn, the more interesting it get's as I connect yet another dot and at the same time I'll never finish with this book. There will always be another detail waiting to be discovered, one that can take the past and bring it back to life for a moment. Death has always been perhaps the greatest sadness to me and when names of humans who, against all odds, for some reason or other are still remembered thousands of years later, it brings me happiness to be able to wave back at them through the pages when in countless other ways they are lost for all eternity. I never imagined that I'd ever consider history as a path and I haven't made up my mind at all. It's just something that's been growing on me because obviously, the human history pretty much stays the same, and so one will only ever get better at understanding it. Once it starts turning from confusing and into a chronological story and you're able to pick your own favourite topics of interest freely in the absence of any authority, it can become interesting in a way that keeps building on itself. Dunno what I'd use the degree for, but it goes in well with being a writer. Understanding the past is an excellent way to contextualize the present and even the future.
I think one of the reasons why I never considered it while growing up is because a large part of the human history is focused around warfare and the story in genreal can be utterly horrible and grotesque a lot of the time. To be perfectly honest with you, after having gone through abuse it not only nearly pushed me over the edge where I risked losing track of myself in ways that I'll look back at now and cringe, (I made it, which say's a lot about me) it also makes me not want to belong to my own species and this goes beyond my attraction to things like transhumanism. (I wish my own species nothing but the best though.) Reading human history. It's both helpful and something that strengthens this feeling of wishing to escape humanity. In a way, one could say that I've stepped out of myself and that my feelings are often irrelevant to me at this point. I look at the world and humanity and even myself and the people I have come in contact with from more of an objective point of view. Things are the way that they are because it is natural. Things just happen, both the good, the bad and even the funny or random things that make me smile and laugh. I enjoy reading human history a lot, it makes me feel happy. Much more so than upset and though I might hate aspects of humanity, it doesn't make me feel angry. I just don't want to belong to it. I just want to go far, far away. A feeling I recognize from back since when I was very young and yet still. The cruelty, violence and selfishness is weighed out by courage, inventions, brilliance and raw strength that absolutely enthralls me and such polar opposites makes me feel OK with the cruelty that I have been through personally. Because I can't do anything besides place myself to the side, besides place everything somewhere, a place where my opinion or my feelings don't matter and the only thing that matters is the story itself and the parts that make me laugh. Where the only thing that matters is the whole and since I can't understand this "whole" fully, I feel liberated from it.
It's honestly, it used to be the only thing that could make me feel better, but these day's I'm so much better that I'm OK. Sometimes I'm even happy. At some point I managed to put all of my negative feelings into a context that made sense and it worked for me. Then there's my life in general. All I ever wanted since growing up with the abuse that placed me in the hospital was to study at the university, it took around ten years to recover and then I also got raped again, but neither my reactions to the incident or the incident itself is allowed to make me feel inferior in any way. Because I didn't go through those ten years, the therapy and all the rest of it only to see it get thrown away. A part of me is still angry, a part of me might always be livid, but the best thing that I can do is actually to be happy. Again, flawed as I am, having made it to this point says a lot about me.
I always used to think that ethics was one of my alltime favourite subjects and that I'd love studying it for real, but the more I go into ethics the more my thoughts and feelings towards this subject is altered. There's something phoney about ethics and morality...
It's impossible to argue over the fact that what is considered morally right or wrong is different according to culture and also according to the different times. For example, something that was considered morally good in my country in the past might be considered morally grotesque today. Hence, what is morally right or wrong is right or wrong because it is considered so by the majority. This means that we're all liars. We don't refrain from doing something wrong or do the right thing because we actually care, but because we want to belong to the herd. With emotions attached, maybe so, but that's irrelevant to me. This is still yet another reason why I feel discontent towards my own species.
I wanted to do what was actually morally right, only to figure out that no such thing existed. The truth is subjective to each individual, to different times and cultures and so are ethics. Maybe it's not even real? Even if it goes against the herd though, as long as I'm not hurting anybody else, I still want to do what I perceive as right. Eventhough the human history has been riddled with violence, cruelty and selfishness this is something that makes me feel discontent, so I'm against it. Just because something has been done in one specific way for a long time, does not make it right and if the herd is going in the wrong direction, I don't want to belong to it, because things change. Out of principle, I'll hold on to ideas of world peace and selflessness, even if the actuality of these ideas might seem impossible. Because somewhere in the world, someone is being tortured and it could have been me. Think about that, imagine being tortured. If you in any way allow for this to happen, you also allow for the possibility that it could happen to you. So I guess I'm with Kant on this one.
Maybe that's as real as moral and ethics can ever get? At the same time, even as much as I resent it, I am a human and I feel many of the same needs as other humans within the herd. So I can't escape it either, there must at least be a balance. I wish I could start up with Utopia designs, yet another dream that seems close to impossible. Who knows where I'll wind up anyway, my mind keeps jumping from one idea to the next and it's not important. I'm one human out of so many others and statistically it's unlikely that my life will make any difference on the whole. I don't mind anymore. I'm not important and in this world anything can happen, but while that is true I'm not objective to what happens in the present even if I accept that there is little to nothing I can do about it.
I'm very nervous about the election in America right now for example, as I'm sure a lot of other people are too. It's so close, so unbelievably close. Fingers crossed, it will all be alright. I got to get back to my studies, then I might be off to the gym. Life is good, I'm learning loads and not just about my own subjects, I'm involved with social activities, I love my friends, I think my first exam in my most challenging subject is going to go well and the best thing that I've learned is to be more humble because honestly, I don't know anything for sure anymore! Which is fine. The universe is sick ^_^
Photo does not belong to me. If there are any errors here, no doubt, you could be right.